Lost
by Otaku Raven
Summary: Justin struggles to discover what he really wants. ~*COMPLETE*~
1. Problem

Disclaimer – None of the characters in the following story belong to me. They belong to Ron Cowen and Daniel Lipman and Showtime. No money is being made. No Infringement is intended. This is nothing more than a sad little starving artist having a little fun.

Title – Lost

Rating – PG-13 (language and slash)

Spoilers – season two finale

Summary – Justin struggles to discover what he really wants. 

Lost

Naked on the edge of a mattress supported by crates, Justin sat with his head in his hands. Behind him, Ethan sat gazing at the pale skin of his lover's back trying to think of something to say to better the situation. Slowly, he licked his lips and scooted closer to Justin and reached out to place a hand on his shoulder. Gently he rubbed the soft skin and savored its feel underneath his fingers.

"Ethan," Justin said in a soft voice that was tainted with pain. "I'm sorry." 

The violinist looked closely at him as the blond turned to face him with watery eyes.

"I'm so sorry."

Fighting back a lump in his throat, Ethan gently caressed Justin's cheek with the back of his hand and he spoke to him in a docile voice.

"I'm not going to tell you that's it's all right, that it doesn't bother me," he began. "But you can fix it."

As the first tear slid down Justin's cheek Ethan wiped it away with his thumb.

"And I wish that I could help you, but I can't," he continued. "This is something that only you can resolve. And when you do, and I know you will, I'll still be here."

Justin's lip began to tremble and he took in a deep breath and fought to calm himself. Tentatively, the dark-haired man reached out and pulled the shivering man against his chest. Justin held in his sobs but he could not stop the tears from flowing as Ethan gently held him and stoked his back.

Brian Kinney awoke with a massive headache in an empty bed. Although he'd been stoned out of his mind, he could vaguely recall what had happened last night. Due to the current state of all his friends he'd gone to Babylon alone. Michael and Ben had gone to see a movie and the newly joined Emmett and Ted had declined in order to spend a quiet evening at home. More out of habit than anything else, Brian had dragged a random man into the backroom while he also snorted a bit of his "special mix" into his nose. 

As Brian had leaned against the wall however and the trick had gone down on his knees, he'd stopped a young blond man to the right of him. The young man had sent an unwanted chill through his body and straight to his feet. Roughly, he'd pushed the trick away from him and approached the blond boy from behind. Without a word, Brian had wrapped his arms around his waist and discovered that he was nearly as tall as he was. The boy's lanky body felt awkward against his and when he turned to face him he was meet with light brown eyes looking at him with curiosity and arousal. 

Those eyes seemed too ugly to him and failed to have any positive effect and when Brian leaned in to kiss his lips, they were rough and unyielding. Heedless, Brian had allowed himself to be kissed but when he found that he was unable to respond, he'd simply turned and walked away amid the blond's curses. 

The pulsating music had become unbearable and he had crawled into his jeep and sped home to collapse in his bed. For weeks this seemed to becoming somewhat of a habit. Going out and coming home unsatisfied. Even if he had gotten off, something inside him seemed different and felt him feeling hollow. Somewhere inside himself he knew what the problem was. It had been 22 days since the Rage party where he'd driven Justin straight into Ethan's welcoming arms and out of his life. 

It was the second time in his history that Brian had pushed someone he loved away from him, and he did love Justin, regardless of his inability to admit it. Debbie had once called him on it and challenged him to confess his feelings before something happened. Too late. Unable to cope with the fact that he actually loved someone as he loved Justin he'd forced him away. 

Groaning, he sat up and ran a hand through his mussed hair. His head was pounding and he was never more thankful that he'd taken the day off. The sudden, sharp ringing of the phone aggravated his headache and he cursed loudly as he reached to silence it. 

"What?" he growled.

"Hey, it's me," Michael said, unfazed by Brian's tone. "I just wanted to make sure you were okay."

"Why the hell wouldn't I be?"

"Well, you seemed kinda upset that I couldn't go with you last night - "

"My life does not revolve around you Mikey," Brian said. "It's opposite remember?"

Brian could hear Michael's smile on the other end of the line.

"Yeah," he said. "Well, just, call me if you need anything."

"I will," Brian agreed ready to hang up the phone.

"Hey, Ben's teaching a class tonight, do you want to do something?" Michael asked. "Go hang out on Liberty Avenue or go to Babylon or something?"

"Now Michael I don't think your boyfriend would appreciate that."

"Ben doesn't mind," Michael said. "He trusts me."

"Hmm, well actually, I don't feel like going out," Brian said. "But if you want to come over, that'd be cool. It's been a while since we've sat down and watched 'Dirty Dancing'."

Michael laughed.

"All right, that sounds great," he said enthusiastically. "I'll come over in a few hours and bring dinner."

"Dinner?" Brian questioned.

"Um yeah," Michael said. "It's 3:15."

Brian squinted his eyes as he looked at the glowing red numbers on the nightstand next to him.

"Yeah, all right," he agreed. "See ya soon."

"Kay, bye."

When he heard the click on the other end, Brian hung up the phone and headed for the shower. 

Justin had been walking around for quite sometime. More than an hour had passed since he'd dressed and left Ethan in his apartment so that he could try and clear his head. It wasn't working. His mind was racing back and forth between thoughts of Ethan and thoughts of Brian. From the very first time he'd seen Ethan, he'd been unable to get him and his music out of his head. Yet, he remembered when Brian would take him in his arms or kiss him or push him back on their bed, all thoughts of the romantic violinist would vanish.

Justin felt as if he were betraying both of them. Even though he had left Brian, he still found himself thinking about him on a daily basis. Going over to Brian's the morning after the Rage party had been on the most difficult things that he ever had to do. In silence, Brian had watched as he collected his belongings and prepared to walk out of his life. The only time that Brian spoke to him was to softly ask for his key back.

Later, Justin would discover that Brian had sent the computer he'd bought him to Michael's comic book store where the two of them could continue working. However, "Rage" had taken a back seat for the boy. Once they were once again on speaking terms, Justin had sworn to Michael that he would continue to draw for their creation, but right not it was just too painful to drawn "J.T." and "Rage". 

Then there was Ethan. The young violin player was everything that Justin had ever wanted in a partner. Beautiful, intelligent, passionate and romantic Ethan. Why then could he not stop his thoughts from wandering back to the man who had pushed him away? Justin felt as if he had two lovers and was not being faithful to either of them. Towards the last days he had been with Brian, he would dream of Ethan. Now that he was with Ethan, he reflected on life with Brian. This could not continue. One way or another, Justin would have to decide. Almost without thinking, Justin headed towards Brian's loft.

Standing near a dirty window in his small apartment, Ethan held his violin under his chin as his right hand gracefully moved back and forth with the bow and his left danced with the strings towards the top. The instrument was singing a sweet, endearing song that tried to convince its master that everything would work out all right. That Justin would move on with time and with him. That they would be at peace together. That the blond boy loved him as Ethan did. Regardless, Ethan knew that he was going to lose Justin. The beautiful boy who had captured his heart was going to leave him to return to the man who had caused him so much anguish. The worst of it was that there was absolutely nothing Ethan could do to keep Justin with him. If his heart belonged to another, then their relationship would be nothing but a lie. As the tempo of the song picked up, Ethan hated himself. How could he fall in love like this? He wished with all his heart that he hated Justin. Then he wouldn't be in such unbearable agony. As the song drew to a climatic conclusion, the young man felt a drop of wetness slide down his face. 


	2. Solution

Before he could change his mind, Justin pressed the buzzer on the outside of Brian's building. It was only when he heard Brian speak did he realize he had been holding his breath.

"Hey Mikey. Come on up, the door's unlocked."

Justin slowly opened the door and decided to take the stairs rather than having to stand still in the elevator. He never remembered Brian living so high and he counted every step. Firmly wrapping his hand around the metal door handle, Justin slid it to his right. The teenager's heart sped up as he spied Brian's form that was slightly obscured by the foggy room dividers. The long legs covered in tight black denim. The graceful arms left naked by the black muscle shirt. 

"I hope you brought some of those lemon squares," Brian said as he walked out of his bedroom. "I'm actually in the mood for . . ."

As their eyes met, Brian could no longer form words.

"I'm sorry," Justin said almost instantly. "I, um, I just . . ."

Justin stopped in order to gather both his thoughts and his emotions.

"I needed to see you," he managed to say.

Brian came towards him slowly. Hazel was locked on blue. 

"But um, if you're waiting for Michael I can come back . . . or not . . . whatever."

Justin turned and headed back to the door that he had never closed. The sudden sound of Brian rushing towards him startled him but the older man only reached out to slide the door closed before he could.

"Well then," Justin began again. "I . . shit, could you please say something?"

Brian raised his eyebrows and slightly shrugged his shoulders.

"You want something to drink?"

Justin exhaled loudly.

"Yeah."

Brian walked over to his refrigerator and grabbed two beers. As he handed one to Justin, he allowed his fingers to linger upon his for a moment before he pulled away. Quickly, Justin opened the can and downed half of it in one gulp.

"Hey, hey, hey," Brian said. "Take it easy."

Justin lowered the beer on to the counter and wiped his mouth with the back of his hand.

"Brian, I came here because I have to talk to you," he said in a tiny voice.

Brian left his unopened beer next to Justin's on the counter and came towards the boy who was trembling slightly. 

"Then talk."

Instantly, Brian hated how rough his voice sounded. 

Ignoring the tears that were rising in his eyes, Justin continued.

"I'm sorry for what happened at the party. I never wanted it to happen like that - "

"How would you have liked it to happen?"

Justin swallowed and took in a shallow breath.

"I never did," he said softly. "I never wanted it to happen. I'm not even sure why it did."

"You fell in love," Brian stated plainly.

Slowly, the younger man shook his head.

"No," he admitted. "No, I was already in love."

Brian watched silently as a tear escaped and slid down Justin's cheek.

"Damn it Brian, I'm still in love," Justin said clearing his throat. "But not with him. With you."

A lump was coming up into Brian's throat and he fought to keep it down without showing any sign of it. 

"And I hate it," Justin continued. "I hate that I can't stop thinking about you. I hate that when he kisses me I wish it were you. I hate that when he holds me it's your arms I feel. I hate that I have this . . . insatiable want for you."

As another tear fell, Brian felt the goosebumps rise on his flesh. 

"Christ, that's half the reason I'm here."

When Justin saw the questioning eyes, he struggled to explain.

"This afternoon, Ethan and I were . . ."

Something inside Brian suddenly felt good when he realized that Justin was unable to say it in front of him. 

"And I, God, I fuckin' said your name Brian," Justin finally said. 

Brian's eyes slightly widened and he almost smiled until he saw that Justin looked as if a slight breeze would send him crashing to the floor. 

"Now I need you to tell me what you want," Justin said in a barely audible voice. "Whether or not you think we could go back. If not, I'll go away and I swear you won't have to see me again."

Brian looked closely at him and wondered if that was a true statement. Painfully, he then realized that it was. Justin had come a long way from the lovesick boy he had been, following him around like a lost puppy. 

"Brian," Justin pleaded. "Please, tell me."

The silence was so loud that Justin feared his heart would explode. He wanted to say Brian's name again to encourage a response, but he knew the shear familiarity of it was enough to break him down at this point. Slowly, the boy held back his tears and nodded once.

"All right," he said delicately. "Good-bye."

Sniffing once, the teenager turned towards the heavy door once again. As he reached for the handle however, he felt two strong hands grab his shoulders and spin him around. The lips on his mouth come fast and pushed him against the door with their force. Justin moaned as Brian pushed his body tight against his as he continued to kiss him. The older man's fingers slid into Justin's hair and as he pulled his lips away, he pressed their foreheads together.

"Don't go," he whispered against his mouth. "You can't go."

Somewhere deep inside of himself, Justin wanted to laugh. Those were the exact words he'd spoken to Brian then he thought he was moving to New York. Instead, Justin reached up and held the side of Brian's face with his hand while the other one rested on his neck. 

"Justin," he said incredibly softly. "I love you."

The tears were falling freely from Justin's sapphire eyes now and as he looked into Brian's hazel orbs he saw that they were glazed over as well. 

"I want you to come back," he admitted. "I need you to come back. I wanna wake up next to you again."

Justin smiled and pulled back to study his face.

"I want me to come back too," he said. "And I want us to work. But, Brian - "

The older man interrupted him by kissing his waiting lips once again. 

"I know," he said as he pulled away slightly. "It won't be like that anymore."

Justin looked back at him with questioning and unbelieving eyes.

"Just you and me," Brian added. "Believe it or not, that's all I want. No one else."

A little laugh of joy bubbled from Justin's mouth as Brian spoke those words. Shortly after however, he nearly screamed when the door he was pinned against vibrated with the force of someone knocking on the other side. Brian cast his eyes downward.

"Fuck," he said under his breath.

The knocking continued and was soon followed by Michael's voice. 

"Brian, open up! The food's gonna get cold!"

Justin shyly looked away and moved aside. Brian took in a deep breath and held up his pointer finger, telling Justin without words that he would handle it. Slowly, Brian slid the door back but stepped in the threshold, blocking Michael from entering. 

"Hey," Michael said. "Just in time, I was . . . are you okay?"

Brian knew that his eyes showing the telltale signs of emotion and he was unable to put on an enthusiastic face for the man who'd just interrupted something extremely important, even if his friend had no idea what had just taken place. 

"Yeah," Brian said. "But I'm gonna have to cancel our plans."

Michael knotted his eyebrows in confusion and concern.

"Brian, what's wrong?"

Knowing that Michael would not be satisfied with "nothing", Brian struggled to find a better explanation. 

"Mikey, I just . . . I can't tell ya right now all right?" he stated as gently as he could. "I'm sorry you brought all of this - "

Brian pointed to the two bags Michael was carrying as he spoke.

"But I just need to be alone right now."

Michael licked his lips and swallowed.

"Are you sure you're okay?" This isn't like a "buttplug" situation or something and you need my help."

Brian was unable to suppress a slight laugh at that.

"No," he said. "I promise, I'll tell you later all right?"

"Well, okay, at least take this," he said handing him one bag. "It's your favorite."

"Thanks Mikey."

Michael smiled and shrugged lightly.

"No prob," he said. "See ya." 

Brian smiled again and slid the door closed. After he dropped the bag on the floor he turned to see that Justin had moved closer to him. Brian looked at the young man and laughed helplessly.

"Where were we?" he questioned in a playful voice.

Without saying anything, Justin reached out and took Brian's face in both his hands, pulling him back to his mouth. The dark haired man smiled into their kiss as he slowly ran his hands down Justin's body. As their kisses grew more passionate, the pair stumbled their way up the steps and then fell onto the bed together. As Justin pulled Brian up so that he was hovering over him, he felt his warm hands move under his shirt to caresses his wanting skin. Sliding his hands down Brian's firm arms, Justin groaned softly and arched his back in order to feel as much of his lover as possible. Despite his own immediate desires however, Brian pulled away suddenly and spoke carefully to the slender man underneath him. 

"What about him?"

Justin wanted to start crying again at Brian's mention of Ethan, but the older man held him in his gaze and demanded an answer. 

"Because if we do this Justin," he added. "I won't let you go back."

Justin pulled himself up, wrapped an arm around Brian's neck, and then fell back into the sheets so that the taller man was lying full length upon him.

"I don't wanna go back," he whispered. "I wanna stay here. I wanna be with you."

Brian responded warmly as Justin kissed him.

"I love you."

Justin wondered if their would be an end to his tears as he felt them rise once again as he spoke the words he had been aching to since he first meet Brian over two years ago. Needing to hear nothing further, Brian began to kiss him again and shivered as Justin ran his fingers up his back and then under his shirt to feel his warm skin. As the young artist's nimble fingers then moved to undo the buttons at the front, Brian's lips wandered all over his face, leaving quick but passionate kisses. The two stopped momentarily to remove their clothes and for what seemed like a blissful eternity they gently touched, caressed and kissed each other like they would never see the other again. When they began to make love in the same tender manner, their secret whispers never stopped. 

__

Does that feel good?

You're so beautiful.

I love the way you feel.

I love you.

Tell me again.

Yes, yes, yes.

Do that again.

Brian.

Justin.

When they had both been satisfied, they laid down on their sides facing each other with their arms keeping them locked in a loving embrace. The pair kissed softly and gently wished one another "good night" before they closed their eyes and waiting for sleep to take them. 

A little over an hour later, something inside Justin stirred and caused the young man to wake up. As his senses came into focus, he could feel Brian gently stroking his cheek with his thumb. As his tired eyes took in his surroundings, he saw that Brian had pulled away a little and was staring at him. Concerned, Justin reached out and wrapped his hand around Brian's thumb that now rested on the side of his face.

"Brian," he asked. "Have you slept? What's the matter?"

Still looking at him, Brian tightened his grip around Justin's hand.

"Promise me you won't leave."

Justin looked longingly at him, unsure of what to say. He had never seen Brian as vulnerable as he was now.

"I'm not going anywhere," he replied simply. 

After a moment, the taller man scooted closer and rested his head on the blond's chest. Justin slowly wrapped his arms around Brian and caressed his back until he felt him fall asleep. 

To be continued. 


	3. Home

When Justin awoke shortly after the sun had risen the next morning, he marveled at how truly wonderful he felt. He was so conformable and so at ease that for the first time it made him realize how much his body had been longing for such serenity. How long he had been aching for it. For Him. Removing one hand from the smooth skin of Brian's back, Justin moved it into his hair and let the mahogany strands caress him. He had never held Brian like this and was amazed at how phenomenal it felt. That wasn't to say that he didn't worship the times when he fall asleep in his love's protective embrace, but it was glorious to feel as if he could keep Brian from all harm simply by locking his arms him. As he continued to graze his hair with his fingertips, Justin began to gradually feel Brian waking under his touch. As the older man moved against him, Justin gazed downwards in time to see the lids languidly rise revealing warm hazel orbs that slowly worked to focus themselves. As if in a trace, Brain repositioned himself so that he could stare into Justin's face. They said nothing as Justin's fingers continued their ministrations and Brian focused heart and soul on the warmth of their union. 

Later in the afternoon, Justin was slowly walking back to the tiny apartment that he had shared with Ethan for such a short time. Brian had offered to come along but Justin had declined, saying that he would be all right on his own. Regardless his slow pace, Justin soon found himself climbing the old steps. Despite their familiarity, at that instant, they seemed far darker than Justin remembered. Reaching into his pocket, he retrieved the key and slowly opened the door. No sooner had he stepped inside than Justin spied Ethan sitting on the floor reading a piece of music that was spread out before him on several sheets. When he heard the door gently click, Ethan looked up and into Justin's eyes.

"Your stuff's there," the musician said indicating the space by Justin's feet with a slight nod of his head. "I think I got everything but you might wanna to check."

Justin was suddenly heartbroken and he had to blink to clear his eyes. 

"Ethan," he began, but was unable to continue. 

It was then that the young dark-haired man stood and walked slowly to where the blond stood by the door. 

"It's all right," he said. "It just . . . wasn't meant to be."

"I'm still sorry," Justin said.

A miniature, melancholy smile played on Ethan's lips. 

"So am I," he said. "But I don't want you to be unhappy. I love you, Justin. But it means nothing if you don't feel the same, which I know you don't. You can't."

Ethan came closer and gently continued.

"I'll be all right. You'll be all right But please Justin. . . just don't let him hurt you anymore."

Justin nodded and slowly leaned in, briefly pressing his lips to his before pulling back and wrapped his arms around him. Ethan strongly returned the embrace and then pulled back, squeezing Justin's upper arms before he released him entirely. 

"Later," Ethan said softly. 

Justin swallowed the lump in his throat.

"Bye."

With some effort, Justin was able to walk back to the loft with his belongings in a backpack, two medium sized boxes and one plastic shopping bag. As the elevator lifted him up into the building, Justin felt as if he were weightless. For the first time in his life everything felt normal. As the elevator halted and he raised the gate, the metal door slid back and Brian watched as he came towards him with his arms full. Moving silently passed him, Justin carefully dropped his belongings onto the wood floor and soon felt Brian come up behind him and wrap one long arm around his chest and the other around his waist. Smiling, Justin covered the back of Brian's hands with his own and turned his head to the side, offering himself. As Brian gently kissed his lips, the young man felt utterly content. Protected. Loved. 

****

The End


End file.
